Decisions.

I re-read Twilight Eclipse, and I find it exceptionally weird how I can kind of relate to Bella swan. Difference is this is the real world and there is no such thing as vampires and werewolves and love is only an emotion with one. I still believe Bella Swan should've chosen Jacob, but I guess the bond between her and Edward was that strong. Simba, he's my Edward. If anything happen to him it would kill me. I care for him as much as anything in life. Now Sweetheart, he's Jacob. Strong-willed, stubborn, not so much of a hot head. I care a lot about this kid but I'm not in love with him.

 Simba, I've been in love with since age 16. The first day I met him. I remember it, I remember plenty between him and I. For example, Junior year of highschool, before we actually were "Boyfriend/Girlfried" we would write notes back and forth to each other. Go out of our way when our classes were completely on the opposite side of the school to give it to them. Its crazy. We just fit, he made life that much better, it was easier. I could read him like easily. I still can and he drives me crazy sometimes. We rarely argue. and I d k . He's my smoking gun.

Sweetheart, he;s complicated, not so easy to understand soemtimes, but still amazing in his own way. Slow to warm up but when he does, its a great feeling. I feel like I've started to depend on him. He's my drug and I'm addicted. I can't  explain it, he's like an adrenaline rush. I can't just let it go, but I'm scared that it'll leave anytime soon. I want it to stay longer, make my heart beat faster. Thats just how I feel with him . 

Kyle E. Johnson.

I feel like right now everything is crashing down on me, heavily. Its almost a year since his death and I haven't really dealt with it, deep down inside I still kinda believe its a joke. I know I probably shouldn't and just deal with the pain, yet its seriously something I can't fathom doing currently.  I don't believe he'll ever be a topic I can freely speak of without tears welling in my eyes. I miss him exponentially. He was my rock, my Chubby Wubzy, my BD.  No one on this planet can take the spot he had. He could make me laugh with just his bright smile. I regret not going to his funeral because it would've been closure. It would've been the proof I needed to see he's in a better place. Time flew by so fast, it seems like just yesterday, he was calling me from LA talking about "BM, I'm about to get my shit together and pack up and move down here. Everything's different out here, its something I need to straighten out."

Kyle was never that "thug" type of kid. He was smart as hell and hilarious. I'm speaking so hilarious, the mere presence of him would make you burst with laughter. He was caring, amazing and just had this beautiful aurora around him. He just sometimes got caught up with bullshit and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kyle was the type of person who would be driving down the street blasting some Lincoln Park or Beyonce "Halo", singing along loudly like no one in the world had ear drums. He would get so tired and still have to take people home. He was something like everyone's dependable. We all depended on Kyle for something.  The day I found out and I got the call. My heart stopped and I collapsed and literally I cussed Sheena out for having R.I.P Kyle on her away on aim. I was pissed. She didn't respond, I guess she knew I was hurt. I was begged her to tell me that it was a joke, they were playing . Then having Marlon ask me "Why your black ass didn't go to the funeral? You know he would've wanted you there, I know you two hated each other but damn blood."


I remember this one time Kyle made up some bullshit excuse toand I was soooooo mad. Sheena and I spent my whole vacation talking madd shit about him. That was when Sidekicks was popping back then.   We'd have aim chats with hella other people and like the whole chat would be me and Kyle arguing about who was right and who did what wrong. He pissed me off to the point I started calling this nigga delusional. lmfao he'd aim me and I'd be like "You're delusional, you're confused you know?" Then there was my co-ed sleep over. He almost took Monica, his and my life. Horrible, we had a mission to East Oakland to drop people off. I'll never forget that. Monica and I were like "Kyle, wake the fuck up, forreal you about to fall asleep on the free way. Roll down the window and get you a energy drink please." We made it home lol, w. the windows down, Music blasting in a green camaro on 4's.  We came back to my house and collapsed with everyone on the floor in my living room. I had like 20 people in my house that night. Kyle rolled over on me and almost suffocated my ass.  Gosh, I really just miss his smile and laugh. I'll never forget him ever. I think writing this only made things a tad bit better. Maybe it'll get easier eventually. I don't know but I know I wont ever forget that day.